Proverbs 32

Everyone reads Proverbs 31 and breathes a sigh of dismay. Is there any way I can be like that woman? Probably not in our lifetime, so how about a chance to meet up with the Proverbs 32 woman. I think I've become her.

Who can find a virtuous wife? For what she spends is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband slowly allows her to try things, but he knows in the end it will bring no lack of anything, usually only a mess to clean up.
She seeks wool and flax, but can't seem to find it at Wal-Mart. The only ship she can find is by way of shipping so she spends all of her time online.
She runs out of ketchup right before the company arrives and sends her husband to the gas station to get more, but of course they have to pay $5.85 for it.
She tried to get up before the kids today, but she set her alarm for PM instead of AM. But no bother she slept on the couch last night with a crying baby anyway, so she did rise before the household, she just went back to sleep.
They had toast for breakfast with grape jelly. She had tried to make jam from the strawberries she picked but she didn't put in enough sure jell so out comes the jelly from Wal-Mart.
Her maidservants are the dishwasher (she forgot to turn on) and the washing machine (sits full of a load of clothes that she forgot to put in the dryer. She's already washed it three times, so here goes number 4.)
She tried to plant a garden this fall, but her kids picked all the plants instead of the weeds.
She exercised on her treadmill five years ago before the kids came, and strengthens her arms by carrying kid number 4 around every where she goes.
She perceives that her merchandise is good, but actually that blanket she tried to crochet looked more like a triangle than a rectangle. And her lamp does not go out by night because the kids need a nightlight, which only adds more problems because by morning she has ten trillion moths in the bathroom congregated around the light.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff -what is that anyway?
And her hand holds the needle, to the sewing machine. Literally, she just sewed her finger with it while trying to fix the hole in her favorite pants.
She extends her hand to the poor. Well she was going to make some salsa to give away but she put in two garlic bulbs instead of two cloves like the recipe called for. So she better not share that special recipe with anyone.
She is not afraid of snow for her household, they have a shovel a broken snowblower that actually belongs to the neighbors, and hand-me-downs for the kids to wear
All her household is clothed with scarlet, if that means spaghetti sauce all over the front of their clothes.
She makes nothing for herself (that would be a disaster); She's finally out of maternity clothes (after five years). She's got a beautiful maternity wardrobe now, but not much for normal clothes.
Her husband has actually been great, but not on account of her.
She hopes to someday make money for her family, but for now she's trying not to spend it all. Dirty and wrinkled are her clothing;
But no one will know that she didn’t just now spill that chocolate on her shirt, and the wrinkles should come out before she leaves the house.
She shall rejoice in time to come (things can't get any worse!).
She opens her mouth with wisdom but rarely can think of anything coherent to say,
And on her tongue is the law of "we obey right away, all the way, and with a happy heart".
She watches over the ways of her household and often the children of many other households,
And does not eat the bread of idleness
She can't be idle anyway...not with 4 preschoolers
Her children rise up and call her "MOOOOOOOOMMM, come heeerrree!" all the time (usually to be wiped or pushed on the swing).
Her husband also calls, "Have you seen my crescent wrench?"
and praises her, "Many daughters have done well, but thanks for trying."
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
But please don't give her of the fruit of her hands, her own works aren't turning out so well.

For those of you who are giving up at the quest of becoming the perfect Proverbs 31 woman, Just remember that we are all human and need to rely on the strength of God to get us through. We will never be the perfect person, wife or mother, but we can with God’s help try our best and laugh at our mistakes. Praise God that every morning I get to try all over again.

This is Anna's creative writing...I'm not that funny.